The Pelican's Version of Who Won the XXth War of the Lilies

At the final court at Calontir's XXth War of the Lilies, concerning the war's theme of Laurels versus Pelicans, the Head Instigators for the Pelicans produced and read the following documentation of how the winner of the war was determined:

After careful consideration, consternation, exaggeration, and perhaps some calculation, the results of this Lilies war have become frighteningly clear. A small algorithm, with a trivial solution generates a point spread modifier.

Wherewith, when the ratio of Pelicans to Laurels is factored in, the mathematical relation between victories and Alfa war points slightly complicates matters. Lilies rules indicate a Sigma Value of 8.0 over the square root of attendance, times archers, except on Tuesdays where bards over bocce players, times drinkers and drunkards, replaces the internal factorial of bridges, brocades, and broken fields.

When we slide in single sword moderation, and heraldic interpolation, the hyperbola of the parabolic curve shows an obvious trend. The tangent of this curve is a derivative of Corpora X.A.4.b, giving us a Cartesian Plot, which demonstrates the fact that torch light dancing inflicts its own effect upon the final calculations.

For each beer drunken by a Fyrdman before noon, as well as ciders downed by Huscarls by 9:00, there is another ratio that changes with the Delta factor of each point on the battle field.

In accordance with Pavel’s Inverse Reduction Theorem, it is intuitively obvious that each resurrection, multiplied by the hypotenuse of the Fyrdmen flying through windows (carry the 1,) divided by the average wall height for each section in use, gives a result of 7.589 — which will show its importance in the 5th step... (ed. note: at the words "Fifth Step" the crowd groaned.)

Step 2: The mean cross wind arrow deflection, multiplied by the wavelength of the color green as demonstrated in Tristram’s Hypothesis on Carbon-14 Isotope Decay, used to measure the duration of the Fortress battle and the magnitude of the Porta-John coriolis effect, gives us the irrational Pelican factor.

Now as should be crystal clear to even the slowest student, the correlation between lake water evaporation rates and the volume of quality beer consumed throughout the duration of the war can be used to calculate the attrition correction, which can add up to "Pi / 2" war points to one side.

With non-cyclical groups, the Third Alternative Proof of Trevor’s Last Theorem shows that a non-imaginary list field, with a subset of more Laurels and Pelicans provides a Fibonacci Sequence which categorically suggests that we must include the aforementioned.

In conclusion, (ed. note: at those words, the crowd cheered wildly) Occam’s Razor proves, without a shadow of a doubt, that when the results of this calculation are divided by the number of Golf Carts on site, (ed. note: At this the herald paused, looked at the crowd significantly, and repeated with emphasis, "The number of Golf Carts on site!" to which the suddenly aware crowd unanimously and proudly shouted the number = "ZERO!") this highly precise calculation is simply insoluble.

Corollaries are left as an exercise for the student. (Show all work.)

In short we have no idea who won...And we don't really care.... :)

Fernando and Lyriel
Pelican Instigators, retired

This text reproduced with the permission of Conde Fernando de Falcon, KSCA, OP, OL, Court Baron, Instigator, et al.