Media Lawsuit Ends with Leveraged Buyout

Dateline: April 1, 2003. A bitter feud between rival publications and The Quarter has ended peacefully, with the simple expedient of a leveraged buyout. In an earlier story (, reported on the actions of a former rival publication, The Quarter. The trademark dispute had led to a multi-million-dollar lawsuit that threatened to undermine the very fabric of the universe as we know it.

Fortunately, the little misunderstanding has been cleared up. In a transaction said to be the largest such transaction in the history of the Internet, The Quarter has agreed to acquire in a friendly leveraged buyout. The new company will be called "Quarter ONE."

Johannes "The Bruiser" Grabensnatcher, Senior Acquisitions Analyst at The Quarter's corporate headquarters in McMurdo, Antarctica, held a joint press conference with a cardboard cutout representing Justin Case, Publisher, Grabensnatcher, speaking for both of them, said that the merger would "solve many problems" between the two publications. "Mister Case is a very reasonable man," said Grabensnatcher, "and saw that this is in everyone's best interest. We get, we get the trademarks, and he gets to keep his kneecaps."

Justin Case was unavailable for comment, but his doctors say his condition is improving and he will likely need only three or four more surgeries to reconstruct the bones that were shattered in a freak Sno-Cat accident earlier today. Authorities are still investigating how a heavy-duty vehicle, typically used for maintaining ski resorts or for scientific excursions into polar regions, happened to be travelling at high speed on a warm spring day near Case's residence in Ohio.

Katatonia Paramour, a public relations spokesperson for, says the financial community and journalists everywhere will benefit from the out-of-court settlement of differences. "We all know how costly litigation can be," she points out, "and how pesky those little subpoena-thingies can be. Why should we trouble all those sweet young men in the Treasury Department about a little ol' thing like the word 'quarter', when we can all just have a nice little chat and sort it all out?" Paramour said she "appreciates, really really a lot" the safe, secure feeling she gets from the presence of three of Grabensnatcher's personal bodyguards, who follow her everywhere to ensure her safety and to vouch for her loyalty to the new venture.

Asked about earlier accusations, leveled by the staff of, that The Quarter was run by "scurvy knaves" and "thieving scoundrels," Paramour dismisses the comments as "just a little misunderstanding." She says, "We know that [Case] had a tendency toward sharp rhetoric, but everything is much more peaceful now. Oh, and we all really hope he recovers from that terrible Sno-Cat accident, but until he does, I'm honored to fill in as his spokesperson."

At McMurdo, the mood is jubilant. Myleaky Urna, formerly the Antarctica Correspondent for, is now Senior Polar Analyst at The Quarter. She reports, "The mood at McMurdo is jubilant. The violent demonstrations of earlier today have totally subsided. Tens of thousands of people are rejoicing in the streets. Well, actually there aren't any streets, just a snow path, but you get the idea. And there are only a few people here, most of them busy at their jobs, but one penguin walked by earlier, and he looked, I mean, really excited about the settlement." The penguin was not available at press time for comment.

Cartriumpha nic-Ewe McKennethLay, Senior Financial Analyst for the newly-engorged Quarter ONE Company, Incorporated, says the company's prospects are favorable. "We're very optimistic," she opines, "about the future synergies of the merged company. We've changed the name to Quarter ONE to reflect our increased emphasis on customer-focused value propositions. The merger allows Quarter ONE to focus on its core competencies, maximizing the marketspace penetration of our brand identity while delivering results-driven solutions to our strategic partners."

Legal Analyst and Hairstyle Consultant Hirsutalum Crystalmeth, formerly of but now employed by Quarter ONE, says the new company intends to aggressively defend its intellectual property. "We've taken over those trademark claims on the letters 'S','C', and 'A', and the word 'Today'," she says, "and we will continue to pursue justice in the legal venue. We also are pleased to announce that we have patented the concept of sending bits of data from one computer, which we call a 'server', to another computer, using a patent-pending technology we call 'the web'. Those who have similar technological offerings will be able to continue using them, so long as they pay us a reasonable royalty on each bit that is transmitted using our patented technology. We are very reasonable people. Really. We are."

Critics have expressed concern about the concentration of media power into so few hands, but Katatonia Paramour says these concerns are unfounded. "Okay, so we own the largest SCA-related web site on an entire continent. And we just acquired another one. What's the problem? We will continue to provide fair and unbiased reporting on all issues."

Johannes "Bruiser" Grabensnatcher, President, CEO, and Chairman of the Board of the new Quarter ONE, says he remains committed to the integrity of the journalistic process. "Our shareholders, er, readers, have come to expect the best from us. Our future efforts will be just as serious, just as conscientious, just as factual and unbiased, as The Quarter has always been. We will not play favorites, and we will cover the news of the day with compassion and gentle kindness. Anyone who says otherwise is a snivelling weasel of a herald."

This article is a work of parody. Please note the dateline!

Gettin' My Props

Thanks ever so much, Aprylle. Your talent is always appreciated, darlin'.


Get well soon

Please give our best to Mr. Case. I know how bad these babmoozlers can be! Why my poor Bubba is still recovering from his brush with their Sno-Cat. That poor dear man is a shadow of his former self.

You take care of yourself now Aprylle, you hear!

Signed, Bubba's Little Valkerie