Justin Case, publisher of SCAtoday.net, alleges that The Quarter has utterly disregarded rules of responsible journalism. "It's disgusting!" he bellows. "We had already applied for trademarks on the letters 'S','C', and 'A' and the word 'Today'. How could they possibly sink so low?" Case says that previous relations between the two publications had been cordial. "It's amazing. One minute you think you're working with a respectable publication, then all of a sudden you find out they are nothing but a bunch of humorists. We at SCAtoday.net want our readers to know that we would never, ever descend to such depths of depravity as to resort to parody or humor."
SCAtoday.net technical analysts say this is a new kind of hacking. One
senior server administration engineer, who identifies himself only as
h4XX0r-d00d-5kr1p7-k1dd13, says, "3L337! Like, who would ever
think to crack a site when they already got the r00t password? Gimme half an
hour and I'm gonna 0VVN SCAtoday.net! What a bunch of L4m3rZ!"
SCAtoday.net's Antarctic Correspondent, Myleaky Urna, has been following the story since 0200 Zulu time today. From her concrete bunker just outside the polar research station, Urna reports that there are signs of increasing unrest in the streets. "There are reports," she says, "of tens of thousands of angry protesters taking to the streets, smashing blocks of ice and throwing snowballs. Well, actually, there was one penguin walking across the ice. But he looked angry, I mean, really ready for confrontation."
Unnamed sources say The Quarter is angry at SCAtoday.net for its recent story (http://scatoday.net/story.php?search_id=N-20030304-181714-0002) which implied that The Quarter is somehow not on a par with mainstream media conglomerates such as CNN, BBC, and MSNBC. SCAtoday.net's Legal Analyst and Hairstyle Correspondent, Hirsutalum Crystalmeth, denies such allegations. "We're clean here," she insists. Crystalmeth says The Quarter's claims that SCAtoday.net used the words 'reprobates' and 'miscreants' to perjoratively describe their rival are "totally, utterly false."
Justin Case, SCAtoday.net publisher, concurs with those sentiments. "Heck," he says, "I would say that The Quarter is much, much better than CNN. We thought they were our friends, and now this!" Case counter-alleges that The Quarter took advantage of the hoopla surrounding April 1 to perpetrate a dastardly deception. "Here we were," he says, "peacably doing our month-end bookkeeping, counting our extravagant income and exorbitant profits, and this just comes out of the blue. I tell you, it's just not right."
Unnamed sources who declined to give their names said, off the record, that SCAtoday.net is likely to sue The Quarter for name infringement. One source, when asked about when such a suit might be filed, said, "As soon as Hirsutalum gets back from the beauty salon. I'm telling you, confidentially, that we really need the money. I mean, suing that bunch of fatcat penguins is a whole lot easier than working for a living, you know what I mean?" Another source admitted that the SCAtoday.net legal team is working with US Treasury Department officials, attempting to persuade the government that it can prosecute The Quarter for misappropriation of the word "quarter", which also refers to a denomination of currency.
Critics were quick to point out the possible abuses of such a strategy, claiming that this could be the first step on a road to governmental abuses of free speech rights. Captain Roger "Jolly" Arrr. Kidde, a specialist in the forceful recovery of occupied maritime salvage assets, says that the word "quarter" has other uses as well. "We will defend our rights to draw and quarter," he asserts, "and those landlubbers at SCAtoday.net better watch out if they cross us."
Repercussions from the disputed trademarks are being felt around the financial community as well. SCAtoday.net Market Analyst Cartriumpha nic-Ewe MacKennethLay says the world's financial centers are in turmoil. "I called my bank this morning," she reports, "and asked them what they're doing about this. They admitted that they hadn't even heard of the crisis yet. So it appears that the interbank communication networks have been completely shattered by the disruptive accusations. Oh, woe is me!"
Antarctic Correspondent Myleaky Urna confirmed the dire reports, saying, "I'm looking around now, and I see only ice and snow everywhere. It's getting very cold, and there are none of the usual throngs of milling stock traders and pushcart fishmongers. In the whole of McMurdo Station, there is not a sign anywhere that any of the stock exchanges are open. It's as if the whole continent is practically deserted!"
SCAtoday.net publisher Justin Case urges calm in the face of this horrible global crisis of trademark infringement. "We will prevail," he insists, "and will restore love and beauty to all of the universe, for the good of all Humanity. In the meantime, please keep visiting SCAtoday.net for the latest unbiased, balanced, and fair coverage of this story."
This article is a work of parody. Please note the dateline!