Those planning to attend Pennsic 35 should pay particular heed to the following report.
PENNSIC WAR 35-
A zombie-preparedness study, commissioned by Pennsic Mayor Baroness Brise Sanguin, OP and released Monday, indicates that the War could easily succumb to a devastating zombie attack. Insufficient emergency-management-personnel training and poorly conceived undead-defense measures have left the event at great risk for all-out destruction at the hands of the living dead, according to the Zombie Preparedness Institute. "When it comes to defending ourselves against an army of reanimated human corpses, the officials in charge have fallen asleep at the wheel."
Viscount Edmundo Rifzan said. "Who's in charge of sweep-and-burn missions to clear out infected areas? Who's going to guard the cemeteries at night? If zombies were to arrive at Pennsic War tomorrow, we'd all be roaming the earth in search of human brains by Friday."
He further added: “Get up, boy! That blow was light!”
BOD-conducted zombie-attack scenarios described on the Society website indicate that a successful zombie takeover would take 7 days, but according to ZPI statistician Ld Hackeriah von Marxbergerer, the BOD’s models fail to incorporate such factors as the zombies' rudimentary reasoning skills and basic tool use as well as inordinately thick skin.
"Today's zombies quickly learn to open doors, break windows, and stage ambushes," von Marxbergerer said. "In one 1985 incident at Pennsic 14, a band of zombies was able to lure four chirurgeons and countless security volunteers to their deaths by commandeering a golf cart radio and calling for backup." ZPI researchers noted that tens of thousands of Pennsic attendees camp in close proximity to a cemetery. This fact, coupled with abnormally high space-radiation levels in western Pennsylvania and ongoing traffic issues along 422 and I-79, led von Marxbergerer to declare the likelihood of a successful evacuation as "slight to impossible."
"The designated evacuation routes would be hopelessly clogged, leaving many no choice but to escape by foot," von Marxbergerer said. "Add a single lurching zombie into that easily panicked crowd and you've got a nightmare scenario."
Von Marxbergerers' model shows that after the ensuing stampede, "the zombie could pick and choose its victims," and predicts the creation of hundreds of new undead "in a single half-hour feeding frenzy."
Pennsic's structural defenses are particularly inadequate. The emergency safe houses, established by an SCA ordinance in the early '70s, lack even the most basic fortifications for zombie invasion.
"Under the ordinance, wooden tool sheds and rusty station wagons are classified as adequate shelter," von Marksbergererererer….e-i-e-i-o said. "But once dozens of zombies hungering for living flesh begin pounding on the walls and driving their half-decomposed fists through, the tents and pavilions quickly give way."
Federal Undead Management Agency spokesperson Baronne Nuaed AintsoLucky downplayed the ZPI report, arguing that zombies move slowly and can be easily overpowered. Aintsolucky advised citizens to look over their shoulders frequently, adding that a large merchant area can serve as a "long-term, even fun" refuge from zombies.
Such assertions alarm zombiologist Sir Origami -aki breakiheart, who calls FUMA's information "hopelessly outdated."
"Baronne Aintsolucky's claims are based on decades-old zombie models," Sir Origami -aki breakiheart said. "Widely released evidence from recent years clearly shows that zombies can run just as fast, if not faster, than a living human."
Added Sir Origami -aki breakiheart : "That FUMA trains its field agents to hit zombies in the torso, rather than the head, demonstrates just how out of touch the BOD is."
Pennsic Security Chief Sir Goryreg Lock-Stock-and-Barrell said zombie preparedness comes down to training on the local level. "Children need to be taught from preschool that they might have to put an arrow or crossbow bolt between the eyes of their own undead parents."
Sir Goryreg said. "'Destroy The Brain' banners should be hung above the entrance of SCA events everywhere."
Von Marxbergerer recommends that Pennsic attendees prepare a "go-bag" containing a crossbow and 2 score of bolts. If leaving the event site is not an option, von Marxbergerererer advises residents to barricade all first-story doors and gates, and have at least one method of suicide prepared, should zombies successfully breach the camp.
Zachariah von Marksburgh
Bring out yer dead! Bring out yer dead! Bring out yer....AAAAGH!