SCAtoday.net to acquire Pennsic Independent

(New York: 2009-04-01) Furthering the trend toward media consolidation, SCAtoday.net has agreed to acquire its financially-troubled rival, the Pennsic Independent, in a cash and stock swap valued at US$300K.

The merger, which combines two of the most powerful publications in the Known World to create one vast media conglomerate, must still pass regulatory approval by the U.S. government's Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) and the Federal Communications Commission (FCC). Sources at SCAtoday.net say no problems are expected. "Anyone who's been watching Wall Street for the past few years knows the SEC is toothless," stated one SCAtoday.net official, who then added, "and if Rush Limbaugh is still on the air, we know the FCC doesn't care about what happens in the mass media." An executive at the Pennsic Independent vehemently denies that the PI plans to enlist large numbers of SCA fighters to "lobby" for fast-track approval of the merger. "It's true we [the SCA] are the world's largest standing private army," said Maestra Nicolaa de Bracton of the PI, "but we would never even think of exerting military force on a sovereign government. It just happens that we had a demo already scheduled in front of the U.S. Treasury building. I'll admit that 750 fighters is an unusually high turnout for a demo."

Sources close to the two publications have speculated for weeks about a buyout, which finally was confirmed by spokespeople at both corporate headquarters today. According to unnamed sources, negotiations had stalled over the fair market value of certain intellectual property at the Pennsic Independent, specifically the recipe for a beverage known as "Chocolate Chaucers." Eventually, the Chocolate Chaucers recipe was removed from the negotiations entirely, and will be spun off as a separate corporate brand owned by Despotissa Heirusalem Crystoma, the former Publisher of the Pennsic Independent. Apparently, the breakthrough happened when Maistor Justinos Tekton, Publisher of SCAtoday.net, acquired a sample of Chocolate Chaucers and tasted it. He is said to have exclaimed, "Pthugh! You did that to perfectly good Coopers Crack?!" Sources say the "Coopers Crack" brand refers to a now-discontinued variety of chocolate milk available only from a small farm near Slippery Rock, Pennsylvania. Collectors have been known to pay up to US$800 for a liter of the substance, which is said to be an aphrodisiac.

Although some analysts find good synergy between the two organizations, others are skeptical. One Midrealm stock analyst was doubtful of the profitability of the merged organization, saying, "Well, it's true that the PI never made huge profits. But the other one -- what was it called? SCA something dot net? -- is a virtual unknown, and has never made a dime. And neither one of these companies is listed on the New York Stock Exchange. Puh-leez!"

The combined publication's name is still being negotiated. Rumors suggest that SCAindependentlyToday.net and PennsicToday are on the short list. Executives have confirmed that the merger will result in layoffs and facilities consolidation, and that there will be a reshuffling of executive roles. Heirusalem Crystoma will remain in charge of the PI, but her title will be "Vice President -- Pennsic Division". Nicolaa de Bracton will transfer to the southwestern United States to become "Vice President -- Estrella Division". Stephen Calvert deGrey will become "Assistant Vice President -- Operations". Milica of Varna, formerly the Editor-In-Chief of SCAtoday.net, will become "Vice President -- Marketing". An outsider, Ursula the Widow, has been hired to replace Milica as Editor-In-Chief of the combined publication. As usual with mergers and acquisitions, a so-called "ax man" (in this case, a woman) has been hired to oversee the downsizing and layoffs. Baroness Catriona nicHugh McLaey, a consultant from the Middle Kingdom, has been retained by Publisher Justinos Tekton, who says he has directed her to be ruthless in her cost-saving efforts. Tekton reportedly told McLaey to, "chop, chop, chop" the staffing levels. Furthermore, it has been reported that the luxurious and mobile Pennsic Independent corporate headquarters trailer, built during the last economic boom, will be downsized to a backpacker's dome tent as a further cost-saving measure.

In late breaking news, the acquisition cost of US$300K reported at the beginning of this article has, during the time it took to type this, dropped to US$15K due to the spiraling economy.

This article is a work of fictional parody and does not represent actual statements by staff members of either publication. We hope you enjoyed our April Fool's parody.

After seventeen years at the PI...

...this was the only way I could ever get a promotion.